HEY BESTIE: I just found out my husband is on Tinder. He claims he didn’t cheat, but it feels like he did. I was devastated. He said he just downloaded the app for fun and to check it out, but I don’t think I’ll get over this. What should I do?
Most people don’t enter into relationships with the expectation that their significant other will look elsewhere for another partner.
In this scenario, your husband uses an online dating app to search for what else is available. † .even if he hasn’t physically met anyone through the app yet – which may be why he said he “didn’t cheat”.
Your definition of cheating may be very different from your partner’s, and it would be ideal to clarify those definitions.
You should be clear – like black and white instead of grayscale – whether online flirting, searching, etc., is considered cheating and a no-go zone for the relationship.
If so, let your partner know.
It sounds ridiculous that I even have to say this, but I have clients who regularly explain that if they’re not physically or sexually involved with someone else, it doesn’t count as cheating.
Only you can determine that for yourself and your relationship.
The next approach would be to engage in conversation. Set aside some time, sit down, and ensure no distractions. Take the time to talk and listen to each other.
Some of the questions you may want to ask to include the following:
· Do you still want to be in a relationship?
· If so, what would our relationship look like in the future?
· What was the purpose of joining and browsing Tinder?
· What is your definition of cheating?
Once you’ve had the conversation, you must figure out the best outcome for yourself and the relationship.
People usually reach out to another partner when relationships aren’t great. Now might be a good time if you haven’t already talked to a professional.
Note: If this sounds like your relationship, start talking to each other!
· There is a mental or physical distance between the two of you; both are important to watch out for.
Your partner becomes secretive – especially around using their digital technology.
There is less intimacy and touch than usual in the relationship
Your partner finds excuses not to spend time with you
When in doubt, get in touch and talk to someone – a non-judgmental sounding board may be just what it takes to get a clear picture of what to do next.
After all, everyone deserves to be in a relationship where you are your partner’s first and only choice.
your best friend,
Amanda xx
Amanda Lambros is a sex therapist and relationship coach with nearly two decades of experience who takes pride in her “no bs” approach to solving your problems. She is also a certified speaking professional and has written several books on relationships, health, and business that have sold over 150,000 copies.
