HEY BESTIE: My partner and I want to get into BDSM, but other than watching 50 Shades of Grey, we don’t know where to start. What do you suggest?
As a sex therapist, it’s so exciting to hear from couples open to expanding their sexual repertoire!
Yes, you heard me right. Fruits aside, let’s see what BDSM is all about. Instead of just apples and oranges, try persimmons and maybe even put in durian!
Let’s start with the basics. BDSM is the short version of bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism, and masochism. As you can see, it encompasses various activities that couples and multiple partners can undertake.
BDSM is an umbrella term for a range of sexual behaviors and preferences.
As a beginner, there are a few things to keep in mind.
The golden rule is permission!
Consent is what is known as a primary feature of BDSM practices.
Consent is not overlooked or rushed. Every aspect of what you want to be involved in is very clearly discussed and agreed upon, such as practices, safe words, stop words, etc…
One of the easiest entry points to this practice is sensory deprivation.
It has been scientifically proven that depriving one of your five senses (seeing, smelling, touching, tasting, and hearing) enhances the other senses.
It’s as simple as using a blindfold; chances are you already have something to try.
Think scarf, sleep mask (like the ones you get on a plane), a tie, bandana, and yes, I’ve even heard of clean footy socks being used, so feel free to contact creative with this one.
Your communication will become overloaded when you try out BDSM because you have to check in with each other and adjust regularly.
Take it easy, especially if this is your first time. Treat each other with care and caution.
Play and have fun. This is the perfect time to explore new positions, toys, and techniques.
As you become more familiar with BDSM and more familiar with BDSM, you may want to visit an adult store to purchase some additional items to help you with your newfound practice. Yes, you can go shopping – WOOHOO!
But before you go, I want to warn you: you should set aside at least an hour (or more) of your time (or more) to go to the store, look around (since the range of accessories for BDSM practices is usually quite extensive ), try things out, ask questions of the extremely knowledgeable and helpful staff and then make the purchase.
My second caveat is that BDSM accessories aren’t cheap.
Good quality often means more expensive, and this is not an area you want to do cheaply.
There are usually clips, metal, chains, etc., and you want to ensure they work and don’t break under a small amount of pressure.
Finally, have fun!
It’s a great opportunity to have fun exploring what you like and learning what you might not like.
Be relaxed and stop if necessary because everyone deserves to feel comfortable and empowered in the bedroom while trying new experiences.
your dear,
Amanda xx
Amanda Lambros is a sex therapist and relationship coach with nearly two decades of experience who takes pride in her “no bs” approach to solving your problems. She is also a certified speaking professional and has written several books on relationships, health, and business that have sold over 150,000 copies.
Do you have a question for Amanda? Email [email protected] (don’t worry, we won’t publish your name!)
